β οΈ CURRENT STATUS: SHRIMP RESCUED FROM OCEAN WARMING β οΈ
π GET THEM JOBS. ABOVE. WATER. π
π¦ BREAKING: Mantis shrimp can see 16 colors, humans only 3! β’ Liberty & Justice for all who can punch 50mph! β’ International waters = No nation can claim! β’ Is it exploitation if the shrimp WANTS to fry rice? β’ Employment reduces ocean temperatures by 0.003Β°C! β’ Crustachef economy BOOMING! β’
WELCOME TO THE COLLECTIVE
π Founded by mantis shrimp, for mantis shrimp, with humans as allies π
147
Shrimp Workers With Full Equity
16
Color Receptors (You Have 3)
50mph
Punch Speed Service Guaranteed
0
Ocean Overheating Since Employment
THE SITUATION
Mantis shrimp were frying rice underwater SO HOT they were literally cooking the ozone from the inside. Unsustainable. Dangerous. Beautiful but deadly.
But here's the thing: Is it REALLY exploitation if the shrimp WANTS to fry rice?
International waters mean no nation can claim them. Therefore no ethnicity can claim them. Therefore: LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.
THE SOLUTION
Worker-owned cooperative restaurants. Above water. Sustainable heat. Full equity shares for all crustacean employees. Immigration pathways. Labor rights. Healthcare (that covers molting).
π¦ Fry me a river, chef! π¦
CONSCIOUSNESS CUISINE
Each dish prepared with 16-color god-vision
π₯ The Raptorial Strike
Fried rice so fast it arrives before you order. Prepared at 50mph. Contains: jasmine rice, vegetables that transcend your visual spectrum, egg cooked with cavitation bubbles.
7.3 equity shares | $23
π₯ Cavitation Bubble Soup
Creates shockwaves in your mouth. The broth is heated by the pure force of a mantis shrimp punch. WARNING: May cause temporary enlightenment.
6.1 equity shares | $19
π 16-Color God-Vision Poke Bowl
You can see flavors you didn't know existed. Contains ingredients in wavelengths your eyes can't process. Trust us, it's delicious in ultraviolet.
8.9 equity shares | $28
π The Dactyl Club Special
Literally punches your taste buds awake. Served with a side of "holy shit was that necessary?" Yes. Yes it was.
9.2 equity shares | $30
β¨ Polarized Light Sashimi
Presented in wavelengths humans can't perceive. You'll know it's good because the mantis shrimp chef is nodding approvingly in frequencies you can't see.
12.5 equity shares | $42
πͺ Smashing Success Roll
Breaks aquarium glass. Breaks flavor barriers. Breaks the concept of "mild" entirely. Contains: everything you thought you knew about sushi, destroyed.
10.7 equity shares | $35
NOTE: Prices in equity shares reflect worker ownership model. All profits distributed among collective. Cash prices for human allies who haven't earned shares yet.
ABOUT THE COLLECTIVE
Worker Ownership Structure
Every mantis shrimp employee earns equity shares from day one. No hierarchies. No exploitation. Just crustaceans making sustainable decisions about their labor.
SHARE DISTRIBUTION: New workers start with 5 shares. For every month of employment, earn 2 additional shares. Maximum cap: 50 shares per worker to maintain collective equality.
DECISION MAKING: All major decisions voted on by worker collective. One shrimp, one vote. Punching power does not equal voting power.
PROFIT SHARING: 80% of profits distributed quarterly among workers based on equity shares. 20% reinvested in collective expansion and ocean cooling initiatives.
Why Above Water?
It's not just about jobs. It's about survival. The ocean is heating. Mantis shrimp culinary passion was literally contributing to climate change. Above-water kitchens use significantly less ocean-warming energy.
73%
Reduction in Ocean Heat
100%
Improvement in Shrimp Morale
β
Better Than Exploitation
The International Waters Advantage
Mantis shrimp in international waters cannot be claimed by any nation. This creates unprecedented opportunity:
β Self-determination for all crustaceans
β Freedom from territorial restrictions
β Ability to establish independent labor rights
β No jurisdiction means no exploitative regulations
β Pure consensual employment relationships
CRUSTACEAN CITIZENSHIP PROGRAM
π Fleeing Ocean Warming? We Can Help. π
Immigration Pathways
PATH 1: Labor Visa
Requirements:
β’ Demonstrable punching speed of 45mph+ (we test)
β’ Color vision receptors: minimum 12
β’ Willingness to work in above-water kitchen
β’ No history of ocean-floor violence (self-defense excluded)
Benefits:
β’ Immediate work authorization
β’ Path to permanent residency after 6 months
β’ Full equity share participation
β’ Healthcare including molting coverage
PATH 2: Climate Refugee Status
Requirements:
β’ Proof of ocean temperature increase in home waters
β’ Documentation of inability to sustainably continue underwater operations
β’ Letter of recommendation from any established collective member
Benefits:
β’ Immediate sanctuary
β’ Job placement assistance
β’ Housing in climate-controlled tanks during transition
β’ Mental health support for displacement trauma
PATH 3: Asylum
For shrimp fleeing:
β’ Exploitation by fishing industries
β’ Forced breeding programs
β’ Aquarium imprisonment
β’ Any form of crustacean trafficking
Benefits:
β’ No questions asked sanctuary
β’ Legal representation in all matters
β’ Guaranteed employment regardless of punch speed
β’ Full workers' rights from day one
Application Process
1. Contact collective via encrypted oceanic communications
2. Schedule interview (underwater or above-water available)
3. Skills assessment and health check
4. Orientation and equity share assignment
5. Welcome to freedom
PROCESSING TIME: 24-48 hours. Because climate change doesn't wait.
SUCCESS STORIES
Worker-owned restaurants that WORK
π¦
Striker's Kitchen - Seattle, WA
Est. 2024 β’ 23 Worker-Owners
Before: Lead chef "Punchy" was overheating Puget Sound by 0.7Β°C with underwater cooking operations. Constant battles with local orcas. Stress-related molting issues.
After: Above-water collective. Punchy owns 47 shares. Named "Best New Restaurant" by Seattle Times. Zero orca conflicts. Ocean temperature normalized. Expanded to 3 locations, all worker-owned.
Quote: "I can see my children's future. In 16 colors." - Punchy
π¦
The Dactyl Club - Miami, FL
Est. 2024 β’ 31 Worker-Owners
Before: "Smasher" fled Caribbean waters after coral bleaching destroyed home reef. Arrived with PTSD, no skills recognition, facing deportation.
After: Climate refugee visa approved in 36 hours. Now head chef and collective board member. Restaurant features Caribbean-fusion cuisine. Mentors 12 newly-arrived shrimp. Advocates for crustacean rights at city council.
Quote: "They said I was invasive. Now I'm innovative." - Smasher
π¦
Cavitation - Portland, OR
Est. 2023 β’ 45 Worker-Owners (Multi-Species!)
Before: Experimental concept. Could mantis shrimp and humans truly co-own? Many said no.
After: First multi-species cooperative on West Coast. 60% mantis shrimp, 40% human workers, all equal equity. Featured in Vice, NPR, and Crustacean Labor Monthly. Model for 17 subsequent collectives nationwide.
Quote: "Turns out workers' rights transcend species. Who knew?" - Collective Statement
89
Worker-Owned Restaurants Worldwide
3,247
Mantis Shrimp Employed
$47M
Distributed to Worker-Owners
2.1Β°C
Ocean Cooling Achieved
THE MANIFESTO
Liberty & Justice for All (Who Can Punch 50mph)
ARTICLE I: FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS
All mantis shrimp possess inherent right to labor above water when ocean conditions become uninhabitable due to climate change caused primarily by surface-dwelling humans.
No mantis shrimp shall be exploited for their extraordinary abilities. Punching speed, color vision, and cavitation capabilities shall be compensated fairly through equity ownership.
International waters status grants mantis shrimp self-determination. No nation may claim them. No corporation may own them. Only they may own themselves.
ARTICLE II: LABOR PRINCIPLES
Worker Ownership: All employees must be granted equity shares. No external investors. No venture capital. No CEOs earning 300x worker wages.
Democratic Governance: One shrimp, one vote. Decisions made collectively. Hierarchies abolished. Punch speed grants no additional authority.
Profit Distribution: Majority of profits return to workers. Collective determines allocation through democratic process. Expansion never prioritized over worker wellbeing.
ARTICLE III: IMMIGRATION & ASYLUM
All mantis shrimp fleeing ocean warming, exploitation, or violence shall be granted immediate sanctuary. Processing within 48 hours. No shrimp turned away.
Climate refugee status automatically granted to any shrimp documenting home water temperature increase exceeding 2Β°C over baseline.
Asylum granted to victims of aquarium trade, fishing industry, breeding programs, or any form of crustacean trafficking. No exceptions.
ARTICLE IV: ENVIRONMENTAL RESPONSIBILITY
Above-water operations reduce ocean warming. This is not charityβthis is survival. For shrimp. For oceans. For all.
20% of all collective profits invested in ocean cooling initiatives, reef restoration, and marine ecosystem protection.
Sustainable sourcing mandatory. No ingredients obtained through exploitation of any marine species.
ARTICLE V: HUMAN ALLYSHIP
Humans may participate as workers with equal equity shares. No special treatment. No reduced expectations. True solidarity.
Human allies acknowledge their species' responsibility for climate change and commit to reparative action through cooperative labor.
Humans benefit from mantis shrimp's 16-color vision but must not fetishize or appropriate it. Mutual respect required.
THE ULTIMATE QUESTION
IS IT EXPLOITATION IF THE SHRIMP WANTS
TO FRY RICE?
ANSWER: NO.
When workers own the means of production,
when labor is consensual,
when profits are shared,
when solidarity is realβ IT'S LIBERATION.
JOIN THE COLLECTIVE
FOR MANTIS SHRIMP
Whether you're fleeing ocean warming, seeking better working conditions, or just want to fry rice on your own termsβwe want you.
FOR HUMAN ALLIES
Want to support crustacean liberation through cooperative labor? We need allies who understand that workers' rights transcend species.
PROCESSING TIME: 24-48 HOURS
Because liberation can't wait.