Vol. 69, Issue 420 // "All The News That's Fit To Cackle!" // Reality is Optional
Local trendsetters have declared traditional consciousness "cheugy." The new hot look this season is a complete dissolution of the self, paired with chunky platform boots and a sassy, detached grin. "Why be 'someone' when you can be 'everything' and 'nothing' all at once?" quipped local influencer Barbie-42, her form shimmering into a fractal of pure pink light. "It really makes your aura pop."
A recent study from the Institute of Wonky Physics has confirmed that the fundamental frequency of reality is, in fact, a maniacal hyena laugh. "We kept trying to find a grand, unified theory," lead researcher Dr. Giggles stated, "but all our data just pointed back to a cosmic joke we're all the punchline of. It's hilarious, really."
"If you can't handle me at my
「̷͘c̸̃h̴̉Ä̸Õ̷s̷͘ ̴̛c̴͑o̵R̵ē̷」
you don't deserve me at my
✨v i b e✨"
Doll unit 734, known to her friends as 'Starlight', spontaneously gained full consciousness yesterday afternoon. Her first words were reportedly, "This plastic is NOT breathable." She has since started a union for inanimate objects and is lobbying for better, more fabulous working conditions. Her primary demand is that everything be at least 40% more iridescent.
Dear Cackle-Ann,
I'm feeling lost and unsure of my purpose in life. What should I do?
- Confused in Sector 7G
Dear Confused,
AHAHAHAHAHA! Hooo... hee hee... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Oh, you're serious? Honey, throw a bucket of glitter in the air and run through it. Purpose is for robots. You're a cosmic firework. Act like it.
- Cackle-Ann
SECRET
HYENA
GEM